I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
