I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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