Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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