shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
