If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
