You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
