Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
