You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
