12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
