Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
