I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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