i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
