My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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