can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
