watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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