I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
