Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
