Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
