fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
