If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
