Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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