"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
