Your favorite bartender is back from prision
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
