So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
