a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
