Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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