Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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