Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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