Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
