it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize