I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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