I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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