I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
