Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
