perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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