I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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