is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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