so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
