just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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