I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
