I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
