Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
When are your genitals available?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
