does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
