WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Randomize
