Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize