So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
