i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
