All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
