Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
