...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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