I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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