if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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