im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
