There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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