Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
