I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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